Letting go – Guest post by Kata Simon

Photo source: http://www.mommyedition.com

Oh, what a roller coaster drive… with the “letting come close” and “letting go” … both of them are a huge life lessons for me. About the letting close maybe in an other post.

For now I would like to write about the letting go. About seeing my baby getting more independent and needing me less and less. But most of all slowly letting go and close our breastfeeding journey.

I’ve never seen in my life a breastfeeding journey end lead by the baby. I’ve heard from a friend who had a friend who’s toddler weaned him/herself from the breast. But no, I never seen or known a mom-baby go through this process.
I had no idea what to expect. I was totally caught by surprise about the feelings that rouse in me. How naive of me… I was caught by surprise by every feeling about parenting, why would I ever think that this one will not do the same? 🙂 haha 🙂
About the facts: at around 2 years of age, he started asking less and less to breastfeed. Significantly less. At 2 years 3 months, he started to try to fall asleep without the “tzetzee” .. all by himself… me laying right beside him.

I let this sink in for a moment….. and let me repeat… after having a bit of “tzetzee” he said that “it’s enough, but them away”, and tried to fall asleep.
Wow… and wow again…. At 2y3m he has the willpower to let go of something he has know for the short period of ALL his life. Something he loves sooo much
I chocked on my tears as the ball in my throat got heavier… and listened in the dark as he turned and tossed in bed trying to find his place, trying to sleep. Than he asked to breastfeed again a little and tried to fall asleep again.
Is it instinct that tells him it’s time to let go? Is it the feeling of being safe enough and he can go a step further away? I have no idea… does it matter? do I need to know? Pfff, no…

But it’s like I’m going against my instincts as I support him on his journey to independence. My instincts to keep him close and safe. But it’s HIS Life Journey. And I would like to be there for him, to support him trough every path he chooses to walk on. To be his safety net and safe-ground and biggest cheerleader.
And in the present moment it’s a process of self weaning, so I’ll support him in this the best way I can.
But the feeling of loss is still there. And it’s my emotion, I have to deal with it, without affecting him on his learning path.
I tear up every time I think of it… it’s like I’m loosing a part of me, a huge and important part of me. Of course I know in my mind we will always have a relationship, but the breastfeeding relationship will end soon. The ending has begun. Now it has a tangible expiry date. And right now it hurts like tearing my flesh out.

Fast forward couple of weeks.
Our morning breastfeeding ritual got more significant since he started the transition (and he falls asleep much faster now). I cherish every moment as we snuggle in the morning, and he’s making love to the breasts. Yes, making love. Smells them, gives them kisses, feels them with his cheeks, sings to them. It has become more of a time of connecting, then feeding. I caress his still so soft hair, as he tells me with his mouth full (of a nipple), that he dreamed with angels last night.
And he sings some more.

Simon Kata

Kata is mom of two now and a yoga teacher in Cluj. If you want to contact Kata, please write us.
See all guest posts from Kata here.

We kindly invite you to share your experience on the subject, in the comments below. A lot of moms are in the journeys they discover each day.

Photo source: http://www.mommyedition.com/

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